Happy What?

I've never liked Valentine's day. Ever. Even with a boyfriend, or a husband, I've always thought it's a stupid holiday. If you need the TV to remind you to show your love, there's not much love to show in the first place, imho. Still, I would have loved to spend the evening with the man I love, have a nice meal in that thai restaurant we used to go to, and maybe end the evening in his arms. Wait, I want to do that everyday. Maybe not the thai restaurant, my banker wouldn't agree, but the evening meal, and the falling asleep in his arms, most definitely. 

I am ready

It's not a habit, It's cool, I feel alive...

Adrenalin. In my veins. For the first time in a long long time I've let go. I've decided to let someone other than myself be responsible for my happiness. It's scary, very much so, and exciting too. But most of all, scary. For the past year or so, I was a Vulcan. I'd repressed my feelings, and it was ok, I think. I probably needed all that time to heal. The scar will remain, but I know now that I can survive pretty much everything. I may fall again. Actually I shall fall again. Eventually. But I have friends, I know it, who will be there to help me get back on my feet and resume the journey. That's what friends are for.

He feels right. He just does. It took me a while to see it, and that long period of uncertainty might be my downfall, but I'm ready to face whatever comes next. With him. Or without. Preferably with. But that, my friends, isn't up to me anymore. And as scary as it might be, I think it's a good thing.

Sunday

 Boy I want him there

(Over, under everywhere)

I want him there

(Getting tangled in my hair)

Do cards lie?

One of my friends does Tarot cards readings. I was sceptical at first, but she saw things coming that no one would have ever expected, so I figured, however this works, it does. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some crazy lunatic who consults her horoscope to decide what to wear in the morning (I usually grab the first things that approximately match, are clean, and dry). But I needed advice and I called her, mainly because she's smart and gives good advice. 

So here I go, telling her about my wondering about guys, and that particular one who has been around a while, keeps telling me he loves me, but won't make the necessary sacrifice to actually be with me, probably in fear that if we don't work out, he'll end up alone. I'm the "better alone than mismatched" type, he's not. Fair enough. My friend goes ahead and asks her cards, and surprisingly enough, she tells me that he's the right guy for me (for now, at least). 

Mmmmmkay... What now? Do I tell him "honey, the cards say you and I should be together, so you can dump your *whatever keeps him away* and come live with me"? Am I ready to loose my freedom? I mean, right now, I can hang out on my sofa all day long in my PJs if I want to (on days off), and no one will be bothered. Am I ready to TELL him how I feel (and take the risk of getting brokenhearted once more)

Right now, I'm alone, but not too lonely. I'm safe. I'm pretty much happy. What happens if I tell him I want him to be here, with me, and he still decides to move even further away from me than he already is? What happens if after a few months/years together, I grow tired of him (or him of me)? Can I handle the pain? So many questions today, and no answer to any of them...

Maybe I'm simply not ready, my heart is still healing and scared. What if I were the one, actually, who's unwilling to make the necessary sacrifice?